Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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