do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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