Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
