I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
