I could make wine with my vomit
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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