OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
