hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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