Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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