It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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