Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
