Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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