Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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