So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
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