you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
