Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
