The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
