Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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