Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
