He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there was a trapeze. enough said
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
