I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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