im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
