I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
