Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
