Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
