I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
