I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize