I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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