I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
