I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
