A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
