Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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