hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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