you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
