If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
