The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
