He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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