was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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