Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize