Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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