I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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