I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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