I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
