I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
