dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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