Where are you?
In a non slutty way
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
