I heard we made out
Jerry, you need to find god
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
