I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
