I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
