I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
