i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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