Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
