She's JV to your varsity
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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