i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
