chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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