My girlfriend figured out who you are.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
