dude i'm inner monologue high
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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