i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Fuck appropriateness.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
this hospital has no fireball
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
