Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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