guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
