ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
