so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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