I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
