You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
