i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize