she looked like the bat from fern gully.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Blood and glitter go together right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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