made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
