boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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