The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
