He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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